The worst feeling in the world is feeling nothing at all. I have been rocked the past three months by a terrible depression flare. The sadness, withdrawal, and isolation have been overwhelming. The lack of desire in anything I do, or think about doing, is remarkable. However, today I woke up to the worst feeling of all…nothing.
As I lay in bed, literally just taking up space and using up air, a thorough head-to-toe found me completely apathetic. I felt nothing…not even numb. This provided such awareness to what I was (not) feeling. I found myself wondering what to do next but had no answer as I had never experienced this before.
The subconscious part of me that always carries me forward during my depression lows took over again and willed me out of bed. I was, once again, going through the motions, all the while feeling nothing. I laid on the floor in the living room staring at a strand of the area rug for a good 10 minutes with absolutely zero thoughts in my brain. My eyes felt hollow and glazed. Yet, this was the wake up I needed.
I feel I have mastered “fake it ’til you make it” which is to my advantage in this situation. I am grabbing hold of my autopilot and trusting it to carry me forward, even if it carries me back to sadness. I need to feel.
iamcalledlewie 