Apathy: Feeling Nothing…at Best

The worst feeling in the world is feeling  nothing at all.  I have been rocked the past three months by a terrible depression flare.  The sadness, withdrawal, and isolation have been overwhelming.  The lack of desire in anything I do, or think about doing, is remarkable.  However, today I woke up to the worst feeling of all…nothing.

As I lay in bed, literally just taking up space and using up air, a thorough head-to-toe found me completely apathetic.  I felt nothing…not even numb.  This provided such awareness to what I was (not) feeling.  I found myself wondering what to do next but had no answer as I had never experienced this before.

The subconscious part of me that always carries me forward during my depression lows took over again and willed me out of bed.  I was, once again, going through the motions, all the while feeling nothing.  I laid on the floor in the living room staring at a strand of the area rug for a good 10 minutes with absolutely zero thoughts in my brain.  My eyes felt hollow and glazed.  Yet, this was the wake up I needed.

I feel I have mastered “fake it ’til you make it” which is to my advantage in this situation.  I am grabbing hold of my autopilot and trusting it to carry me forward, even if it carries me back to sadness.  I need to feel.

F*ck Depression

I don’t know why I’m capitalizing “depression”.  It really shouldn’t be given the importance of capitalization.  Perhaps it is because it has made it’s way like a force back into my life at the moment and seems just that prominent.

Three weeks ago it became very clear to me I was in the midst of a major depression flare.  I say “became clear” because it usually takes me a couple days to identify that this is what is going on rather than something more simple like hormone shifts due to a menstrual cycle *insert eye-roll here*.  Typically by the time I recognize the symptoms for what they are, they usually begin to dissipate.  Not so much this time.  As a matter of fact, as I was trying to fall asleep two nights ago, I felt depression’s ugly grip still deeply rooted in my intestines.  It felt like two hands were literally squeezing and pulling at my gut.  I could visualize it so clearly…and then the tears came…again.  Three weeks ago, May 21 to be exact, I was doing my workout, which I had been having great apathy towards working out lately.  During that workout there was a move I could not do and I began fighting tears.  I almost quit the rest of the workout but there is an underlying tenacity within me that is relentless and would not allow me to quit.  I pushed though but let the tears flow, helping purge the “issues in my tissues” (did you know we store negative energy inside our tissues and it can surface and release through waves of emotion after a hard workout?).  I recognized a barrage of negative self-talk and the lies I was telling myself.  I was not thinking rationally (please note I have not had any thoughts ever of hurting myself – I love my beautiful life and all I grow into through my struggles).

I had made an appointment with my medical provider because I have been feeling quite tired lately despite getting about 9-10 hours of sleep each night, but have very poor quality sleep when I do.  I thought she would recommend sleep study or want to check my thyroid.  After filling out my PHQ-9 (a depression screening tool), I scored a 7 – which all-in-all isn’t too shabby, but I have never scored more than a 3…and I’ve been filling out these forms for at least 18 years.  My provider did do a few blood tests, which were all within normal limits, and ended up increasing my antidepressant.  I was hesitant but knew it was what I needed.  I felt like a failure – that I was not able to get out of this flare on my own and now needed to increase my meds which I had been on the lowest dose of ever.  But I knew it was the right decision.

I recognize several stressors which may be contributing – health issues with my mother and taking on care of a parent; my oldest son working hard to make sure all things line up for getting into college, as well as leaving for boot camp (he left this morning *all the tears* – God help me if he ever deploys!!); that same son taking the ACT prior to leaving; several trips to pay and plan for over the next four months; and anxiety over my husband asking me to make our marriage legal in a small backyard ceremony/reception (we call each other husband/wife but have not filed paperwork/been legally married).  I realize this last item should be a wonderful and exciting time but with how irrational I was thinking, I could not relax about it.  We have since figured out a plan that allows us to have our own private ceremony with just us and also have a small reception for the family…and I am excited for it.

What I want to know is, what brings these flares about?  I have been the most stable I have ever been with my depression over the past year and a half.  I have even been able to trial going off of my antidepressant for about six weeks.  Doing so helped me recognize I still need a little boost with medication for balance.  I have an amazing husband, a beautiful relationship, am so proud of my kids, love my job, am the happiest I have ever been in life…so what gives?  As a nurse with a psychiatric nursing background, I have seen a lot of the ebbs and flows of mental illnesses, however the most preplexing to me is depression.  Most of the other illnesses remain stable as long as you follow your treatment plan, however depression seems to have a mind of its own…flaring up whenever it damn well pleases.

All I can say is, never give up, never stop battling this bastard of an illness.  Find your support and climb out from under the clouded veil of depression to hold onto that support.  I know it is hard.  I know you do not want to.  However, you will come through the storm much sooner if you face it head on instead of allowing it to have its way with you.  I know I am still fighting this flare, but it is slowly leaving my body.  I can see little glimmers of my true self breaking through the clouds.  I will never stop fighting.

 

 

Anxiety…the Lurking Beast

If you struggle with anxiety, you know what I mean by the lurking beast. When will it surface? When will it rear it’s ugly head?

Most days I am fine. Going about my daily business, enjoying life, and living to my fullest. However, every now and again, I end up with my breath choked from my being by the merciless hands of anxiety.

If I knew why it shows up it would be easier to address.  I search for the cause yet often come up empty and am hit with an overall sense of heaviness; “impending doom” as some like to say.  Regardless, it sits on my chest, steals my ability to breathe, and stings my eyes with tears.

My goal is personal – it is to not use my prescribed anxiolytics but to work through these symptoms with skills I have developed by pushing through these moments.  My go-to anxiety buster has been talking to my husband or a friend.  Do you realize the more you turn inward, the more power you give the anxiety beast?  The beast wants to shut you down and render you helpless.  What many do not realize is how many others struggle with the same thing!  Talk about it!  Be open about it!  Take your power back!  It is quite amazing how this seemingly simple act (notice I did not say easy) frees up your spirit and makes the beast hightail it out of your life at that moment.

While anxiety might always be part of my life, I do not have to succumb to its demands…and neither do you.  It is a horrible disorder to deal with but can be managed.  I encourage you to talk about it.  Together we can bring awareness and make it okay.