Today I am not myself.
That being said, I have chosen to go back on my antidepressant. This looks like failure in my mind at the moment, however, since stopping my medication almost a month ago I have slowly declined and today I do not recognize the positive, optimistic, change-embracer (I’m declaring this a real word) of six weeks ago. I have grown in irritability, anger, and pessimism; depression has reclaimed a toe-hold in my life again. I will not let it get a foothold! I tell my patients, medications for mental illness are like medications for diabetes, or high blood pressure…if you needed to manage your diabetes with insulin for your body to function properly, would you withhold insulin or metformin?? No!! Same with antidepressants – and all other psychotropic medications. If my brain needs help keeping its serotonin levels at a functional level, I’m not going to withhold my antidepressant. Why would I not heed the advice I give my own patients? Where is the accountability and logic in that?
The past several months have been the best months of my entire life mentally – I will get back to that level of function. But for now I will be gentle with myself. I will work on accepting this physiological need and revisit it in the future. I will continue to press forward, stabilize, and press some more…I will never quit hoping and I will never give up.